He Had Cancer by Rex Ryan

Have you all heard of Chemotherapy?

Yes Sir. We all said. Because we had.

No, you don’t have to call me sir. I’m not one of your teachers. Call me Neil lads.

So, have you all heard of chemotherapy?

Yes Neil. A few of us said.

So, I’ve been brought here today, to tell you about dying.

I’m dying lads, because I couldn’t face the truth.

Do any of you smoke?

We were all silent. He could probably just see a sea of grey jumpers and some blinking eyes.

Lads?

Stephen does, I said. I didn’t even plan to say that. The whole energy in the room seemed to have had some sort of an effect on me. I don’t know what. Can’t put a name to it.

What the hell Conor, Stephen said to me, turning in his chair.

You do though, I said. Because he did.

No I don’t. He went to get up to fight me but the Cancer man, Neil, put his hands up, gently, and Stephen sat back down.

The Cancer man, Neil, seemed to have some sort of strange power over us all now. We all were deferring totally to him now. Very respectful. You know the way you whisper around the dead. Or avoid stepping near a grave. He had that sort of power now.

Conor, he said.

I blushed. He had now become a sort of mythic character. A death mural. Making me blush with mere words. Yes, I said.

Does Stephen smoke?

Yes, I said again, having being reduced to monosyllabic communication exclusively it seemed.

How much does Stephen smoke Conor?

Well, I don’t know an exact figure Sir. He smokes a good bit.

No I don’t, Stephen said.

Stephen. The only way any of this is going to mean anything today is if all of us can be honest.

He stared at Stephen and the Cancer man was starting to seem a little bigger now. Just a touch more confident and larger. He was expanding. We were all shrinking in his presence. There was something coming in to him. We could all feel it. We were all a bit scared I think.

So, can I ask you one more time. Do you smoke? A good few cigarettes?

Yes, the boy said.

Ok. Good. Progress. How many? The Cancer man said.

Ten.

Ten a day?

Yes.

The cancer man stared at Stephen. And we were all totally shocked because he started to cry.

Sorry lads.

The crying made us all even more in awe of this stranger. It didn’t diminish him. It had the opposite affect. The way he was able to cry in front of all of us was completely and totally disarming. And he cried in an aggressive way. Not from the sounds of his crying but from the silence of it. He stared, his face like one of those old sad masks of the first theatres. The lips slightly downturned, almost a bit comical. And the tears were falling down his face like he was a water feature in the corner of an empty garden. It was like he was born to cry because crying seemed so easy to him. There was no strain in his sorrow it just flowed out and over him. No blockage. I figured he had a lot of experience crying.

Lads. He said.

We didn’t answer anymore. It didn’t seem necessary. He had the room transfixed. We’d moved on from the usual rules of dialogue.

Lads, I’m dying.

We looked on at this thing that seemed to be absolutely falling apart In front of our blinking eyes. Our healthy blinking eyes.

I’m dying.

And the silence after this second declaration became so intense and pressurised that I eventually just spoke again without thinking.

We know. I said.

And then he looked at me like I was a baby. And he had a secret he couldn’t tell me until I was older. Maybe much older. Perhaps he had a secret he couldn’t tell any of us there until we were dying because we couldn’t understand the feeling of having to die Infront of a group of young lads in a school for money on a Monday morning.

You all go to church here?

We were quiet.

You all go to Church I said lads. He said this with more intensity.

We do. I said.

Are you the leader of all of these boys Conor?

No. I said.

Well then why are you the only one who answers me? The Cancer man said.

I don’t know sir.

I’m not sir.

I don’t know, Liam. I said.

Fucking Neil, he said.

Then he said, I don’t know either. I don’t know either. He was frowning now as if he was really confused.

Do you all think it just goes black? He said.

I didn’t want to answer him anymore so I looked at Stephen. He looked back at me.

What goes black, Neil? Stephen finally said.

Life. When you die. It all.

Well. They tell us that you’ll go to heaven, Stephen said.

Yes. That’s what they tell us. Don’t they.

Lads I’m having a drink. He did have a drink then.

Sorry for crying. He said.

That’s alright Neil. Again this came out of me without prior thought or preparation to speak.

Lads. I had a wife. Ok?

We all watched him. It seemed like he was preparing for the last thing on Earth.

I had a beautiful wife. I hope you all get a chance to have a beautiful wife. I do.

He tossed the little bottle into the bin. It was quite a good shot. He was in some sort of zone. It was like he could do anything at this time and it would have great power. If he coughed maybe the entire room would crumble. I don’t know why I felt that way but I did.

Her name was Megan. She was incredible. Ok.

It was like he was being made to say all of this. Like it was some challenge that had been bestowed upon him.

He was crying again now. I was thinking that this was starting to turn into some sort of spectacular ritual. Why was this happening here on a Monday morning. I thought this was going to be a Power Point presentation by some Medical student. Not a man on the edge of something. Not a man at the end.

People are incredible. All of you are incredible. Don’t forget that. Ok.

He was shaking a little bit now.

Ok? He said again. Crying.

Ok. Half the class echoed back to him.

My wife was incredible. And she had no friends. And I used to give her hassle about this. Don’t tease people you love. Ok?

Ok, about half of us said.

Don’t hurt people you love. Ok?

Again about half replied to this strange invader of our previously light hearted and apathetic school room bound Monday morning. We walked in here thinking of Croissants and Milky bars after a brief chat. Now it was vast and something black and it was all over us and we were absolutely startled. He was challenging everything we were and everything we could be if we didn’t heed this guys warnings this morning. His sad and strange warnings devoid of any context. Devoid of any reticence. His pleas.

Just don’t hurt people generally. Ok. But really don’t hurt people you love.

He took a pause. Hands on the table in front of him and the grey head downward facing as he seemed to be preparing for something even larger than what had already happened in this room.

What else? I thought to myself. What possibly could happen now? He’s changed us all forever already. This shell. This man. What else has he got in store for us now?

Her name was Megan. And she was incredible. And we were out for dinner one evening. An Italian restaurant on Dame Street. Doesn’t matter what the name was. Fuck it, it was Nicos Restaurant. It’s gone for fu… And she was actually glowing. Emitting a light that night. And I was drunk. As always lads. As I am this morning. It’s Monday morning and I’m drunk. And she had bought me a book. Oh Jesus.

He stopped and let out a yelp like a dog and this was completely shocking to us all.

She bought me a book, he continued. And it was one of my favourite books it doesn’t matter which book, well it was a book called Outer Dark and it was about two people in love who shouldn’t be in love and I loved the author and she knew that and the fact she gave such a caring gift made me angry, Don’t ask me to explain any of this to you. Just let me go on we don’t have long.

And he looked up at the clock.

And I’m sitting there drunk and she’s trying to make a date and keep this thing going, us I mean, and I start on her about friends and why doesn’t she go out more and the usual bollox. The usual bollox lads.

He slammed the table on the second bollox.

People are incredible. People are incredible lads. Ok?

He had shouted this last sentence and about three quarters of the class now responded to him. We responded with a bit more vigour. Because in his wild inarticulacy he had found some sort of strange and resonant elegance. He was a King, actually.

Lads she was just trying to set up a date and make this thing work. And I say why don’t you have friends you need friends Megan, I need some space, and she says.

He paused. This next one seemed particularly hard for him.

I said why don’t you have any friends, I said that to her and she said because I have you. She said to me, lads, because I have you.

He was preparing for the end of his life now here in front of us.

And me. Sitting there. Like. What? And of course it’s over now lads and it has actually been years since that night and I fucked it all up.

He stopped for a while. He was pulsating.

Lads I’ve made every bad decision that was available to me. Ok. You don’t, ok. Ok?

Most of the class replied.

I say this to you all because it’s true. People are incredible. I’m dying. I can see things you can’t. People are incredible. And love. Love as much as you can and love without fear or conditions and without ego love lads like you will die that night because you could. Ok. You could. Ok lads? I did. YES?

Yes. We all replied. The whole class replied to him then.

Love because you’ll die like me one day. And love because if you don’t love that means you’re scared and you aren’t a group who is scared are you?

He was raising his voice now. High above the ceiling of our little room.

You’re not scared lads are you? He shouted.

No. We all shouted back.

You’re incredible. And Megan was incredible and if you make the mistakes I made just know I actually think we might go to heaven or some place that isn’t just absolute blackness ok I have to believe that I’m dying for fuck sake, but I believe I’m going somewhere and I would guess I can see the entire world from this place and I’ll see you and if you make the mistakes I made I’ll be watching and my God you don’t want someone like me coming after you. Lads. The mistakes I’ve made. No. You’re all incredible and just look at me. Look at me lads, and tremble. Ok. Look at me, and tremble.

He was completely wrung out then.

He was incredible.

End.